Perfectly…Imperfect!
I have struggled off and on with the illusion of perfectionism. I don’t always remember being this way, it didn’t start until my mid-twenties, and it crept in slowly. It first started in the little ways that I would obsess over each little task I was doing, then it trickled into my daily chores and housework. I would even obsess over cooking the “perfect” dinner for my family and if something didn’t go my way it would send me into an emotional tizzy. It’s a tad bit embarrassing even admitting this flaw to you now, and the part of my uncovering of this raw place in my life to you is because I know I am not alone in my struggle.
Becoming a momma only added to the intense desire I was forming to be PERFECT. I wanted to be the perfect mother and have the perfect family. I needed to do everything right and God forbid it if I didn’t. I would crumble into a million pieces and be my own worst critic. After having three kids now, I must let go of having a perfectly clean and organized house, let go of having all my girls dressed in perfectly matching clothes, and certainly let go of nothing ever going wrong. I was holding myself to an impossible standard, one that I was certain to fail and often did.
What is the definition of perfectionism? According to the oxford dictionary it is refusal to accept any standard short of perfection. That doesn’t sound too bad if you ask me, but what is the standard of perfection and who defines it? If you boil it down for me, when I really looked at the root of what I was dealing with and why I was so fixated with being nothing less than perfect, I discovered it was an identity issue for me. I was looking to ease an inner pain of feeling innately flawed. I didn’t love myself and therefore I felt like everything I did and ultimately who I am was defective. I tried to fix this inner issue of the heart by outward expressions of perfection. I thought if I was only good enough at everything I put my hands to, such as being the best wife, mother, employee, Christian, then I would fix the flaw. But we all know the result of that was less than adequate. You cannot put a band aid over a deep wound that is internally bleeding from within.
Thankfully with the help of those closest to me, prayer counseling and Jesus, I am walking each day in grace and living a “perfectly imperfect” life! What does that mean you may ask? It looks like thankfulness for each day God has given me, seeing the beauty in each moment…even the messy ones. It means learning to love myself like Jesus loves me and allowing Him to come into those deep places of insecurity and pain and speak truth through love. Jesus said in Matthew 19:21: “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” He was speaking to a rich Jewish man who was asking him what he must do to gain eternal life. He was a man who appeared to be perfect on the outside. He followed the commandments, had great wealth and possessions and one can assume he must have had respect amongst his peers, but when Jesus went deeper and challenged him, he couldn’t give up his band aids. He didn’t want to give up all the outer glory he had accomplished to look good, feel good, be good. I don’t know about you, but I want to give up all my band aids and perhaps look like the greatest fool to be a follower of Jesus. He is challenging me and perhaps you to give up all our facades. Give up and let go of the things that hide the deeper issues and expose them to Jesus. He wants to heal us and let us know that we are acceptable and loved.
It might look messy; you may “fail” a thousand times in a day… but in the end, you are perfectly imperfect and that’s the way He likes you. Did you know that? I had to learn that myself…He likes me. He doesn’t just love me… as a Christian we all know that’s a given. I heard it all my life, I know He loves me…but I didn’t truly believe He liked me. He looks at us just like He did when He first made all of creation and He says, “this is GOOD.” Trust me friend, this is still a daily walk for me. Every day I look myself in the mirror and I fight to believe the undeniable truth of God’s delight over me…it’s true and I choose to believe it. I still battle in moments through my day to not lose it over things not perfectly going my way, and in those moments, I choose His Grace… I choose to be perfectly imperfect. Perfect because of the blood of Jesus… imperfect in this earth, working out my salvation with “fear and trembling”. When we see him, we will be like him. Until that day, we walk by faith in the belief of God’s love for us… and the Bible says this love never fails.